Healing

Last week was not my best, training wise. My knees were incredibly sore from last weekend’s long run; I don’t think I did an adequate post run stretch, and I ended up forgoing a lot of my midweek running to help them recover.  It hurt to walk the dog. It hurt to walk down the stairs (and in our condo, the main floor is up a flight of stairs). It hurt to lie down at night and have my legs fully extended. I was not only in physical pain, but I was so nervous about falling even MORE behind the team I’m training with. I’m already weeks and weeks behind them in training, and several miles. And while I know that I have plenty of time to catch up if I’m diligent, I still hate feeling behind.

The good thing (or one of the good things) about running with Team in Training, is that there are coaches who, like, know about running. So I emailed the coach and explained my knee trouble. We chatted this past Saturday and he suggested it was probably tight quads, so I’ve been stretching like a mad woman, trying to keep the muscles from loosening up. He also recommended I cross train more this week to keep up with the workouts, but to let my body repair itself. So, yay. I went to the gym yesterday and rode a stationary bike for 6 miles and man, I can already tell such a difference in my pain level.

But…it wasn’t just my knees that prevented me from running my full mileage this week.  The run this week was in a neighborhood I used to live. In fact, we ran right past a part of the bay I walked to every single day (where I took this picture, actually).  While I was living there, someone broke into my apartment. Long story short: I ended up in the ER and my place ended up a crime scene. And I’ve stayed away from that particular part of San Diego ever since.

I knew I’d be in the general area for Saturday’s run, but the general area is OK, if that makes sense. But as I approached those masts, when I saw the ramp I walked down every day for the months I lived there, I just could not do it. My heart leaped somewhere up in my throat and I felt like I was going to throw up. I got lightheaded, and kept looking at everyone who walked past me in case it was someone I’d known. I only ran a mile and a half, maybe, but I had to stop. My feet would NOT go any more.

I felt so defeated. I still feel defeated. I’m OK. I mean, I went to therapy right away when this originally happened years ago and worked through stuff and I’m OK. I just…the reaction was SO strong, and so visceral.  I know it makes sense that being there would trigger a strong response, but I’m still mad that it happened. I’m mad that it interfered with my running. That it pushed me even further behind where I want to be. I’m mad that such a shitty thing happened in the first place. I’m mad that I’m mad at myself for getting upset. I’m mad that somewhere in the back of my mind I let myself think “if only I’d been stronger.”

Because no. Just. No. I AM strong, and I WAS strong, and who cares if I didn’t run 5 miles one weekend out the nearly dozen I have left to train? I’m alive, I survived and I’m a better person for what I’ve been through.

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So, now onto training business. I am over halfway to my fundraising minimum for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society!!! I am totally blown away by the generosity my friends, and even people I’ve never met, have shown.

But, obviously, I still have a little ways go to. I’ve decided to make donating a little more fun. Soooo! Head over to my fundraising page, and donate as much as you can (you can enter any amount into the “other” field). THEN, leave a comment over here saying that you donated (no need to say how much) and you’ll be entered to win one of these three images, created by my awesome husband, in an 11×17 (approximately) print. The winner will be randomly selected and will get to chose what print s/he wants. I’ll do other similar drawings each week!

One entry per donation. SO, if you’ve donated previously, then leave a comment and you’ll be entered. If you want to enter one of the future drawings, you’ll need a new donation (of ANY amount).

1. Inside Out Portal

2. Overshadowing Peace

3.  Stone Circle Connection