Second Baby Bullets

I feel like I need to literally dust this blog off. Luckily it’s not an actual thing and requires no dusting. LONG LIVE THE INTERNET.

Anyway, updating has become this Big Thing in my head that I need to do, and the longer I put it off, the more it looms, and in order to prevent it from becoming this insurmountable task, I’m going old school lazy and giving you bullets. As Xander would say, TAH-HAH!

• Xander!
  • Xander is, well, about what we expected. He loves Luna. Loves her. “Want to touch the baby Luna!” is a frequent refrain around here. Which is oh so sweet, yes, and also terrifying because TODDLERS ARE CLUMSY GIANTS. I don’t want to give him a total complex, so I let him pet and kiss her, all the while just cringing over her wee, squishy head. He’s also a total and complete ASS with me and John. He’s fully in the terrible twos (yes, I know, “just wait until he’s three!”) and screams over everything, says no to everything, won’t eat unless it’s coated in sugar or in a cracker form, hits us over his timeouts, you know, HE’S TWO.
• I don’t feel like I’m handing him particularly well, but I’m trying to cut myself some slack: it’s very hard to entertain a toddler while nursing a newborn who always (a.l.w.a.y.s.) wants to nurse, so yeah, we watch more TV than we should. I’m tired and hormonal and tired so, no, I don’t always reply with his screaming “NO! Don’t like mama! Go away!” with an understanding, “Oh, I’m sorry you’re angry, sweetheart, let’s talk about it.”  But I do try to make sure to give him some Xander Only attention each day, and to make sure he gets praise and compliments in addition to the constant “Shhhhh” ing.
• Luna!
  • Luna is a newborn, so in many ways, there’s little to say about her. She is the poster-child for Dr. Sears’ attachment parenting. She likes: nursing, being worn in the BabyHawk (so she is close to the bewbs), sleeping next to me so she can eat all night long. She doesn’t like: anything else that doesn’t involve the above three things. It’s easier and harder. I know exactly what will calm her down (nursing!), I know she will nap if I put her in the BabyHawk, I know she will cry if I change her or hand her off to John to shower. But it’s also hard because, you know, I have other things to do. Like shower. SOMETIMES. Or read Xander a story, or just go in a quiet room and stare at the walls without anyone TOUCHING ME or NEEDING ME. But I know that it won’t last for very long, so I’m trying to savor what I can and just survive what I can’t and try not to get too smelly.

• The pediatrician heard a heart murmur at her 2 week appointment, so we are going to the cardiologist later this month to have it checked out. Most likely it is a benign murmur – I have one myself, and will require nothing more than to be observed and recorded and then ignored. I’m still a wee bit nervous about it, obviously, because she is my baby and so little and well, you know. But I’m mostly trying not to think about it until it’s time.
• John!
  • John is awesomely John and he’s home on Spring Break now (ha ha ha ha – spring! I WISH) which means I’m taking gross advantage of him and not letting him get a moment’s peace. This morning he took Xander out for cupcakes before I lost my everloving mind at the gazillionth rendition of The Wheels on the Bus.
• Me!
  • Other than smelly! (It’s not THAT bad. I don’t think.) I’m actually pretty good! I was much more of a wreck in Xander’s early days, honestly. Less sleep because I was 1), doing that whole crappy feed AND pump every two hours thing and 2), afraid of co-sleeping. I have not pumped once for Luna – I just feed her when she’s hungry – and I’m much more confident in my own ability to make choices like co-sleeping (and to do so SAFELY, obviously). Sleeping with her next to me (or propped up with her on my chest) means we BOTH sleep much better. I wake up when she needs help latching on, or to be changed, and then we both go back down. Fin. This makes me a much better parent.
  • I’m not super great at leaving the house with both kids – it’s a hugely daunting task – so mostly I don’t. I’m lucky enough that even when John does have work, he’s home often during the day so I can wait for a time when he can watch one or both of them before running to the store. Or I let HIM run to the store.
  • I accepted a teaching job that starts in 2 weeks and I’m not sure that this was a wise choice. It is so hard to find any time at all to do something, let alone something that is actually REQUIRED to get done. But this time, unlike when I was still pregnant/delivering, I’m only taking one class, so hopefully it won’t be too overwhelming.

And that is where we are. Now that I’ve broken the wall of not posting, maybe I’ll be a bit more regular again. But, maybe nott.

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Finding Community

The Internet gets a bad rap a lot of the time. And, quite honestly, it’s not too hard to see why. All you have to do is read some of your more, er, zealous friends’ political posts (whether they hold the same opinion as you or not!) on Inauguration Day to figure that one out. There is something about the freedom to say/type whatever you want and just WALK AWAY that removes some of the social boundaries most of us try to maintain in our face to face relationships and interactions.

But, on the other hand, the Internet is home to YouTube videos of kittens on Roombas. So.

I have been “online” for several years. I started this blog while pregnant with Xander, so it’s about three years old (ish). Before this one, though, I had an anonymous blog that was much the same: navel gazing and life stories and pictures of Tonks. It’s really in the last year and a half, though, that I’ve really started to invest more of myself in my online life. Joining in on Twitter conversations, keeping up with people instead of just lurking in the background. Being active, really, in cultivating relationships
(in so much as typing with lots of capital letters and parenthesis is active).

When I came home from The Blathering, I felt…discouraged is too strong a word, but it comes close. Not in the event, but in my (seemingly) inability to connect with the actual people behind these virtual relationships. My innate introvertedness and shyness, coupled with pregnancy exhaustion, made me feel that I had failed, somehow, at Getting It. But then I came home, fired up Twitter, and these little avatars with funny nicknames seemed so much more real. Because, DUH, they are real. They are real people, typing real things, just like I am. And not everyone I am friends with online attended The Blathering. It’s more that I started to get it a little more. Started to realize that some of these things are just the first steps to friendships. Going to a weekend long party with strangers was not going to result in me having a new BFF, but it might lay a step down in that direction.

And it’s so awesome. I care about these women (not to be sexist, it’s just that most of my online friends are women. OR SO THEY SAY). I care about their well being. I wonder what’s going on when someone 40+week pregnant is Twitter silent for a day (BABY?! Or nap?). I get excited when someone else’s kid conquers a long held fear. I’m invested, just as I am with the people I see in my day to day life.

And, let me tell you, I’m blown away by how rewarding and fun it is. I got a package of personalized to me gifts from someone I’ve never met. I was lamenting the lack of BabyLegs available on eBay, and had two separate people (who’ve also never met me) send me their old or unused ones. And it’s not about Getting Stuff. It’s more, hey, you need something? I have it! Let me help you! Let’s help each other. Let’s…be friends. Be a community. Be real.

And for all the eyerollingly annoying stuff online, for all the hateful comments, and uneducated memes and .gifs (STILL NOT SURE WHAT THIS IS), all the division and trolling and bullying and CRAP, there is also this. The real people. The people who just….live part of their lives online, but are just as real on the computer as off. There is kindness and friendship and love and, GAH, I know, cheesy gross pass the puke bucket, but it’s true, and it has made SUCH a difference to me this year.

Also. I mean, kittens on Roombas. How can the Internet be bad?

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2012: Words & Pictures

2011, 2010

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?

Traveled outside of the US, got pregnant with a girl variety human, went to The Blathering

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Here are the “goals” I made last year (I don’t call the resolutions, but still, same idea). (Original post here.) For this year they’ll be much of the same: get back into shape post baby (combination of working out (I’m thinking pilates) and eating well), more writing and photography, more attitude adjustments as needed.

• Start running again: Yes. I joined a RunClub with some other moms and ran, typically, once a week. Sometimes on my own (though not often).
• Do some creative writing: Yes. A friend and I started a “writing group,” just the two of us, and while it sporadic and what not, I did do some writing for it. Mostly early on in the year. I’ve fizzled out since then.
• Keep trying out new recipes: Yes. I still really love to cook. I rely heavily on recipes (online or books), but have enough confidence to do some minor to moderate tweaking.
• Positivity: I give myself a medium on this. I still feel like I’m too hard on myself, and too whiney in general. But I am improving, I think, and want to keep working on it.
• Read More: Impossible to say. I’ve read a lot, as I always do, but I did not keep good track of it like I did last year, so I have no idea what my book count was.
• Photography: Another medium: I’ve used the new camera some, but still mostly use my iPhone.
• Keep working on the house: Medium. My office is now a nursery (!) and we’ve done some cleaning out and rearranging, but there’s still (and always will be) work to be done. We toy with the idea of slightly remodeling the bathrooms/kitchen, but are doubtful it would be worth the cost.
• Garden: Yes! It didn’t ALL pan out, but we had a lovely patio flower garden, and I joined a community vegetable garden. The vegetable garden had to be scrapped because of contaminated compost, but I did it!
• Keep Teaching: I’m about to keep this one. I don’t think I’ve taught anything since last year, but I have two classes scheduled for next month. Hurray!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

A local friend of mine had a little girl last spring, and a CA friend just had her baby girl last month (I think!).

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes and no – how’s that for a solid answer?  A family member died, but we were not close and have not been in years.

5. What countries did you visit?

Mexico! Oh, that was lovely.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

This answer will be much the same as last year. I want to maintain some sense of self that isn’t tied in to being a mom. I no longer feel like “just” a mom (can we all say AMEN), but I still don’t do a lot of stuff that reflects who I am apart from my child (soon to be children). I want to hold on to that internal, creative life, no matter how small it becomes with the new responsibilities of another newborn. I want to maintain relationships with MY friends, as women, not just as parents to Xander’s friends.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

June 9 (ish): getting a positive pregnancy test.
July 1-9: My good friend Paula and her girl came to visit
September 27: Finding out JS and I will be having a daughter
December 14: SandyHook (as if it won’t be in everyone’s memory)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I think that going to The Blathering was a big deal for me. I was so nervous, and felt nervous about how I “did” even after getting home, but I am so very glad I went. It really widened my circle of friends, and brought “internet” relationships to life. I got Christmas cards from these ladies!

9. What was your biggest failure?

In general, my lack of patience on those monotonous days home with Xander where everything he does grates on my nerves. I forget that he’s just two, and not really grown up, no matter how verbal he’s become, and I let myself expect more from him than he’s capable of doing.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I feel like pregnancy is one big illness/injury. But, really, no. I mean, this abscessed tooth hurts like a…well, badly, but it’s not anything SERIOUS.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A trip to Mexico with just me and JS.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Traveling. We went to Mexico, Alabama, Florida, a cabin in the mountains, I went to NOLA.

13. What did you get really excited about?

Learning I was pregnant. Xander starting preschool (cheesy, I know, but I was – and am – so proud of him).

14. What song will always remind you of 2012?

Labor of Love – the song I picked for the photo slide show. It’s not from this year, but I listened to it a lot while driving around and it just…fits.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you: – happier or sadder? Happier. I’m more at home in Vermont than I was last year, I’ve made more friends and really “put myself out there,” so to speak. Same with my Internet life. This will forever be the year, in my mind, that my Internet friends became REAL friends, and that has been so awesome. – thinner or fatter? HA! I’m 33 weeks pregnant. Fatter. – richer or poorer? Financially poorer.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Gone exploring locally – more walks, more outside adventures, less staying inside.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Less worrying about how others see me, less being such a homebody.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

(Same as last year) With my small family in our home. It was so, so great.

19. What was your favorite TV program? Favorite new shows: Person of Interest, Elemental

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

I read all of Tana French’s books this year, and I loved them all (with the VERY noteable exception of Broken Harbor – HATE); Let’s Pretend This Never Happened; Storybound; The Fault in our Stars.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

I have not been good at keeping up with music, but I discovered Kathleen Edwards this year and have enjoyed her a lot.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

I don’t even know what I saw this year: The Hobbit, The Hunger Games

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

This was a fun birthday year; I turned 33 on 12-12-12. I had a girl’s night out with some good friends, and then JS and I celebrated that weekend with dinner and going to The Hobbit.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

(Same as last year) Having a personal project (or sticking with the one I’d picked) that I’d have worked on throughout the year.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

This is a lame question.

26. What kept you sane? My family. Reading. Facebook.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.

This has been a good year for accepting who I am, something they try to teach all of us before puberty. But, it seems, this is a lesson that needs relearning. I am introverted, yes, and I don’t have to change that to make new friends. I don’t have to be someone I’m not to reach out and take personal risks. In a somewhat meta and dorky way, this also means that I accept that a large part of my life is lived online. I care about the people I know on Twitter, and sure, it may seem silly, but it’s true. And having virtual (and now virtual turned real) friends is something that makes me happy, so I don’t really care if it’s silly or not.

And now for the slide show! A lot of these pictures end up being repeats, because I make a slide show for Xander’s birthday each year, so I’m thinking of only doing one of these a year, either year end or Birthday. Thoughts?  (2011 in Pictures; 2010).

(Music: Labor of Love by Sweet Talk Radio)

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December

(This is a bit of a departure from the norm, I know, and I’ll be back to my regularly Xander-heavy and pregnancy neurotic postings ASAP. I promise. I mean, I have the material. We took him to see SANTA today.)

***

Oh, December! The excitement of snow. The hot chocolate so rich it tastes like a melted candy bar. Festive music. Colored lights. Birthday. Christmas. Tree decorating. Santa. So much fun, so much joy. So. Much.

I love the holiday season. I love it all. I love the food. I love the cheesy TV Specials. I love the red sprinkles on my Starbucks drinks. I love the gift wrapping, giving, and getting.

I’m also always so much more contemplative in December, as many of us are. The long hours of darkness, maybe, prompt deeper introspection than usual. Or maybe the symbolism of the approaching new beginning makes us reflect on things past.

One December, fourteen years ago, I tried to kill myself. Dramatic, yes, isn’t it? It feels very dramatic just to type it. And it’s not even like it’s a new story. I’ve told it and written it a few times before. But, every year at this time, I think about that….period…a bit. Not obsessively, and not with melancholy or, I don’t know, regret, even. I just think about it. I reflect on it. I remember. It doesn’t bother me, maybe because it was so very long ago, and I am such a different person now. It’s almost like telling the story of a scar you got falling out of a tree in second grade. It happened. The end. Sometimes it even feels like a memory of a movie or a book – something that happened to someone else completely.

I had just withdrawn from my first year at Wheaton College (I would later return and graduate from there, which is a decision I still wonder about sometimes) with a severe case of PTSD, stemming from undealt with childhood abuse (not anyone in my immediate family). I was a complete and utter mess. I had horrible nightmares, and had no idea where dreams ended and reality/actual memories began. I blacked out for long periods of time. I couldn’t focus and had no appetite. I was so scared, all the time. Scared that I’d be found out. That my piers would realize I wasn’t as Christian as they were, that I was broken. Scared that God had given up on me. Scared that there was no God to do any giving up on in the first place.

So I left that environment and came home, well, to Alabama, which had only been home for about 8 months or so, but it was where my family was, and where I needed to be.

In what little part of my brain that was still thinking before I took all those pills, I did not think of the suicide attempt as an attempt to die. I just wanted quiet. I wanted calm. Peace. I wanted to not be so damn scared. I had this tiny little idea, somewhere, that if I was successful, the bad part of me would die and the good part of me could come back and be the person I was supposed to be.  Years and years later, I had a therapist who listened to my account of this night and told me quite certainly that I’d had a psychotic break. You might think I’d find this scary; I mean, who wants to be told that they were psychotic at any point in their life? But I always found this to be a comforting thought. It wasn’t just that I’d made a really horrible decision – my brain was broken.

I look back at the girl that I used to be and I’m torn between wanting to slap her upside the head and wanting to give her a big hug. I want to tell her to just wait. Just wait and see what’s coming. You’re going to meet this amazing man who makes the world a magical place just by loving you. You’re going to have a job that makes you feel smart and important. You’re going to get a puppy who is the craziest ball of fur on the planet. You’re going to visit some beautiful places. You’re going to have the most mind blowingly awesome child who will change your world in ways you never thought possible.

The truth is, sometimes life really, really sucks, for whatever reasons (or for no reason).

It’s okay to want a break. It’s okay to hit pause, to ask for a time out and demand a rest. But don’t toss it all in now. Give it some time. Things get better.

More than that.

Things get really, really good.

 

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Up To

Xander started preschool today. SCHOOL! Sure, at two it’s probably more similar to daycare than “real” school; I’m not expecting him to come home reciting the periodic table, but still. School!!  My little kiddo. It floors me. I burst into tears in the parking lot after the orientation, so I was incredibly proud of myself for not getting at all weepy at the actual drop off today.

(It was early, and he was distracted by a crack in the sidewalk, so excuse the squint.)

And just like that, it seems, summer is over. It’s been a pretty low key summer, for the most part, but a great one. JS taught the summer semester, but was still home more than a “normal” job would have allowed him. The three of us hiked and visited farms and stayed in a cabin in the woods. Xander and I have gone on play dates, had cupcakes for brunch, poked ant hills, side walk chalked the hell out of our driveway. We’ve ended nearly every day with a family dog-pile/tickle fest and man, it’s been just so wonderful.

I love age two.

Here are some other snapshots of our lives the past few months.

                   
 
   

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‘Round and ‘Round

I was lying awake the other night, listening to Xander cough and cough, shivering in the still cold air, when it happened. The tightness in my chest, the tingling in my fingers, the inability to just Turn Off and go to sleep, and suddenly, the world was spinning and my ears were ringing and I couldn’t catch my breath. I knew what was wrong. I knew it was all In My Head. But knowing that didn’t make the panic go away.

I haven’t had a panic attack in years. I’d forgotten how much they suck.

It was one hell of a panic attack, too. It lasted through the next day – a day I had to spend in bed because I couldn’t walk without bracing myself against the wall lest I just up and fall over.

Eventually it went away. They always do.

And yet.

Not all the way.

The anxiety has been growing, slowly. Building in that insidious way that anxiety does. I convinced myself that it was just This One Thing. This one issue. Once this event is done, I’ll feel better. But then the event ended and my stomach was still twisting around itself into these knots that sat in the bottom of my stomach.

And I know this part, too. That anxiety like this is not about Something. It just is. It doesn’t matter what is going on, or not going on, that’s not how it works. Because life is life and there is always Something. And most of the time Something is good.

But my brain still obsesses over all of these Somethings, these sometimes inconsequential and pointless interactions, things to do, what-ifs, until it’s all just spinning around in my brain like those horrible G-Force rides. I stop thinking about one thing only to have another thing pop right in until I’m breathless and exhausted and pretty much convinced that the entire world is about to end and I’m the only one who knows it.

It’s stupid and annoying because I know, I KNOW, that the world is not ending. I know that tomorrow will come and it will all be OK. I know that I am not going to end up, like Bridget Jones feared, dead and alone, half eaten by wild dogs. I mean, I only have one dog, for starters, and she’s not actually wild.

I wish it were an easy fix of saying “Oh, I’m having a panic attack,” and then it magically going away because I was able to put a label on it. I wish I could stop these idiotic thoughts from taking up precious Glee space in my brain just by telling myself to stop worrying about it.

Instead I’m just walking around, vaguely dizzy, hoping it doesn’t get worse, and hoping that I’m aware enough of what’s going on not to let it put me in bed for another day.

It’s also encouraging me to give the dog some extra snacks. Just in case, ya know? Don’t want her to get too hungry.

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Weekend Wrap Up

Oh. This weekend, you guys. Not to overstate things, but this past weekend was perhaps the greatest one ever in human history.

The sun came out, the warm weather returned, and our little family spent as many hours outdoors as we possibly could. We went to one of our favorite spots: a local bakery right next to a park, and Xander went down the Big Kid Slide all by himself (and only ate a negligible amount of rocks). We went for long walks with the dog. We put Xander’s high chair on the deck and let him eat lunch while pointing wildly at all the birds (buh! buh!).  We played with our next door neighbors and Xander ate his first ever popsicle. (Verdict? More, more, more moremoremore.)

It was so great.

And needed. I need this crazy long winter/interim period to be over. I need it to be spring. Or summer. Whatever. Just warm and sunny with scattered storms, sure, whatever, but NICE.  The longer the cold and gray held on, the more I found myself wondering what have we done? Now that it’s nice again, I’m remembering the appeal of VT.

And THEN, to make Monday’s return less burtal, JS shared this link with me. A Trader Joe’s in Vermont? Can I even convey how awesome this would be? This is where we did at least 80% of our shopping.

Here are some pictures from the weekend.

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You Guys, I Think The Weather Reads My Blog

Because as soon as I bitched about the weather, low and behold:

Oh, sun. Please don’t go away again.

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Springless

Whelp! We had a rough few days here this week. Xander had another effing cold, and more effing teeth, and this meant he didn’t want to sleep. Which also meant: I didn’t sleep. On night three, or something (I forget, it gets rather blurry), I could only doze with him in my lap while sitting up on the couch.

BUT, he’s feeling better, even if still slightly snotty. So now I’m back to my fulltime job of Spring Watching. It’s April, ya know? I’m ready for some leaves and some sun and not needing to grab my winter coat when heading out the door.

I’ve continued to enjoy practicing with the camera. Xander makes a fun, albeit challenging, subject. He’s not so great at sitting still, so usually by the time I turn the dial to where I want it, he’s off licking doing something else.

Oh, hey, bud! Can I take some pictures of you?

You’re a little close, how about you…

Oh, no, don’t touch. Gentle with Mama’s camera, bud.

Gentle…what are you?

Oh, you’re kissing it? That’s….nice. I guess.

Hey, let’s try a game! Where are you knees?

Good! And how about your tummy?

Erm, yeah.

You sure found it!

OK. Let’s say bye-bye to camera!

Gah! Okay, then.

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Here. Still.

Whenever I take a “break” from the blog, I always feel like I need some sort of dramatic reason. Tigers! In the basement! And they ate our router! But, really, not much has been going on. Just life, in all of its insanity and repetition. Play dates and bakeries and yoga and tantrums and meals (both eaten and thrown (with quite the arm) on the wall and to the dog) and naps and skipped-naps and snowy days in the park.

Just life, really. And it’s been pretty fun, for the most part. I’m not always known for handling Xander’s tantrums with the utmost grace (see: the time I almost took him to the doctor for one), but I’m being given plenty of opportunity to work on this area.

Other than that, let’s take a look through iPhoto to see what else has been going on in the Life Banks:

 

Xander’s Johnny Depp impression.

 

It finally snowed! In March.

 

CUPCAKE CUPCAKE CUPCAKE

 

Clean dog.

 

Making funny phases in self-portrait mode.

 

What the bookcases in my office look like after EVERY SINGLE VISIT from my child.

We leave a week for today for our vacation. And, OF COURSE, today there are more tornadoes in Alabama (actually following the same path right up to my parents’ neighborhood), which is freaking me right the hell out because, well, because I really don’t want THIS to happen again:

 

Aside from potential centrifugal injuries, JS and I really quite excited for our child-free Mexico trip. I know I’ll miss Xander, but it will be nice to reconnect with my husband without constant interruptions (no matter how cute those interruptions are).

Speaking of cute (or not, but I never claimed to be organized): Xander will now give kisses on demand, but not if you ask for kisses; you must ask him for a “mah.” As in “mwah!” Also? He’s taken to applauding me after I sing him his nap and bedtime lullabies. I promise I’m not making this stuff up.

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