I’m no exception. Xander wakes too early. Still drops paci and needs help finding it at 2, 3, 4 AM. Gets scared of something and needs us. Sometimes it’s an easy fix. Plug him back in, show him Blankie, and back to sleep (or, as he signs, milk-sleep; the two are inexorably linked).

Sometimes, though, he whimpers a bit longer, and I just cannot let him cry alone in his crib in the dark. At nap time, sure, I can draw a harder line. But at night time, something switches and all I can see is that he’s my baby, my sweet little boy, forever that squawky newborn flapping free of his swaddle in the co-sleeper. These times I lift him up, sniffing his curls as he lays his head against my shoulder, and sit in the arm chair in the corner, humming “You are my sunshine” while we cuddle in the orange glow of his night light. He stares at me through impossibly long lashes, and his dimpled fingers run up and down my arm, mimicking the rhythmic stroke of my hand along his fleece-clad body.

Slowly, slowly, his eyes flutter shut and his breathing slows and he sleeps.

I stay there, though, humming in the dark, feeling the weight of him against my chest, on my legs. I may be tiredtiredtired, but I never wish the time away. I never wish he’d stop needing me. I stay as long as I can before returning him to his crib, my arms already missing the feel of his skin, even if just for a night. And when the next night comes, I find myself once again wishing that he’ll sleep straight through, and that he’ll wake up and want me. The two wants are inexorably linked.

Those were dark days. Dark days, indeed.

Once I got better, JS got sick. Right when we thought we were in the clear. I wasn’t totally 100%, and still exhausted from the virus, and Xander had decided he was tired of being good and inside, so my day on full baby/dog duty was pretty awful, and I may have cried more than a few times when Xander was mean to me (dude, HE BIT MY LEG). We did all survive, though. So that’s good. I was so disappointed with myself, though. I did not handle Xander’s jerkiness very well. It’s even worse because I KNOW why he was acting out – he’s teething (I swear he is getting EVERY SINGLE TOOTH all at once. Every time I manage to peek in there, there’s a new one showing it’s ass-face), he was still run down from being sick, and, you know, that whole “I know Mommy and Daddy are weak so I must exploit it” intuitive biological whatever-ness. And at times I just lost it. I snapped at him. I was mean. It got me thinking, too, because I was the kind of  mean that I would never have been to a child who could speak. But, since he doesn’t talk (much), I let myself think that he didn’t understand what I was saying. Which is so lame. ( I mean, I didn’t, like, tell him I didn’t love him or that he was rotten or anything like that – though I may have thought the latter.) He understands so much. I can see it. He follows simple requests, he signs all the time, he knows what’s going on around him. He’s just not saying what he sees, yet.

I could beat myself up over it (and I did, for a day or so), but really, it just reminded me that I have to mirror the kindness and respect that I want him to learn. Gentleness is most important when you don’t think you have any gentleness to give. I need to show him how to use his words (kindly) to say when he’s angry, or sad, or tired. I can’t snap at him, and then expect him to know that when he’s overwrought he needs to stay calm. I wishI could take back that day of my grumpiness, but instead I’m going to keep it in mind as a reminder of how I don’t want to act. Kids are so impressionable. They don’t have context to tell them that “Mommy was mean because she was sick.” All they know is “Mommy was mean.”

Moving on. Bullets!

• LOST remains one of the greatest TV experiences ever. And the 2 shows produced by LOST personnel (Once Upon A Time and Alcatraz) are proving my point. So far they are both well written, clever, and don’t fall into that SUPER ANNOYING plot contrivance story line where things happen that make zero sense. Yay!
• I ran today! The first time since my half marathon this summer. This is impressive for many reasons. One, because it was cold and I ran anyway (barely above freezing…which is kinda warm in these parts, but I’m a Cali Girl still) and two, because if not for my half marathon training, there is no possible way I would have been able to just up and run three miles without any build up. But I did! This amazes me.
• Every time I cut Xander’s hair myself I say “I will never do this again!” Cut to (HA!): yeah, I cut his hair again. Just the front (do boys have bangs? if they do, I cut those) and the duck tail in the back. The back looks fine. The front, well, JS is calling him Prince Valiant. This is not a compliment. Also? If not for his curls, he’d be at total risk for a mom mullet.
• JS and I are still trying to plan a warm vacation for this winter/early spring. It’s proving difficult, as airline prices have skyrocketed and we need to deliver Xander to my parents (I love him, I do, but a vacation with a toddler is an oxymoron). I spend way too much time researching Caribbean hotels, these days.
• I have finally started working on a personal writing project. I’m excited about it, and I’ve done a pretty decent job of finding time to write, even when there is none. I tend to psych myself out about writing, so I’m not going to be blogging much about it. I want to keep the steam in the pot, so to speak.
• A week or two ago Huffington Post had one of their photo essays on famous serial killers, and I (LIKE AN IDIOT) clicked through it. Nights later, I kept having dreams of their creepy faces lurking in the background. *I* knew they were serial killers, even if no one else in my dream did. Note to self: YOU ARE A PANSY. STOP IT.

Hopefully I’ll be back to a somewhat more regular posting schedule (haaaa ha ha, schedule) now that no one is puking down my shirt. No promises, though.

Fast forward to yesterday morning, when I woke up and promptly wished that I were dead. It took a while, but I had finally caught Xander’s stomach bug. I toyed with the idea of going to Urgent Care (I get dehydrated so quickly with these viruses) but by late afternoon it seemed to be tapering down somewhat.

All I can really say is, my husband is a rock star. He took on every child and dog care duty (heh. duty), letting me stay in bed the entire day long. He only came in to check on me or offer me fluids and saltines. And it’s not like I don’t think he’s able to do these things, or do them well, but it was so nice not to have to worry about my sweet boy while I was hurling up my toe nails.

I’m feeling better, but am imposing an exile on myself to make sure I don’t pass this on to our playdate friends. It kind of sucks for both of us. Xander is just itching to get out of the house. Hopefully soon.

Hope you all stay well!

But what it boils down to, and what I’ll always remember, is this: you’ve started trying to sneak up on me to give me surprise hugs.

Please don’t ever stop.

• Mat or rug in the garage entry
• Boot scraper in the same place
• Paint the 2 bathrooms
• Paint the stairwell
• Paint the laundry room
• Paint the garage entry
• Make garage entry less….crappy looking. Put up some images, maybe another hook set for coats/hats
• Install some hanging lines in the laundry room
• Make the guest room more like a guest room and less like a storage room with a bed (better lighting, less linen storage, hang images)
• Hang instagram prints in the kitchen
• Put shelf in the kitchen
• Shelf or shelves in Xander’s room
• More lights in the master bedroom. Maybe even one that works with the damn switch
• Get rid of old ratty towels and linens
• Clear out and refresh planting beds in yard
• Vegetable and herb gardens
• Hang prints in my office
• Organize closets in my office and Xander’s room
• Frame my Harry Potter poster(s)
• Order a canvas print with certificate and hang it
• Put rails or lattice around the deck
• Get some window boxes to hang off of deck
• Get patio furniture and grill (second hand, if possible)
• Get a compost bin for future gardens
• Fix crumbling driveway
• See if it’s possible to fix steep stairs to the front door, or put in a nice looking railing (these steps are treacherous in the winter)
• Clean or replace basement carpet
• Put some more touches in master bedroom (paint a border, maybe? add more images? put a floating shelf or two?)
• This one is probably way out of reach, but research how to make backyard more usable: remove the dead trees close to the house, put small retaining wall or fence before the steep drop off

There are other things we’d like to do, but only if we thought this was The Home we’d be in forever. Neither of us thinks this, so some projects seem pointless since we hope to find that Forever Home in the middle distant future. (Things like: changing the floors and counters in the kitchen, a bay window (or two) in the family/living rooms, level the yard and remove a lot of trees to let more light in, remodeling the bathrooms.) I don’t think the amount of money we’d spend on these projects would change the selling price enough to justify doing them.

Since I’ve never had a house before, and never done home projects, I don’t know how realistic this list is. I’m not expecting to get to everything, but these are the things we always mention when discussing the house.

Do you have any home improvement goals for the New Year?

But every night, when JS and I are getting into bed, these things are the last things on our mind.  Because toddlers are so much fun, too. When we talk about our days, we talk about the dance parties we have, and how funny Xander looks shaking his booty to the music. We talk about the hour after dinner he spends running after the dog, shrieking with laughter. We talk about the dozens and dozens of stories we read, worth the repetition if only because of the way he slowly walks backwards into our laps, determinedly clutching his book.

It makes me wonder what, if anything, Xander will remember from his toddlerhood. I can’t personally think of any specific memories before the age of 3 or 4, I’d guess. JS says he remembers some stuff from before that, he remembers a few impressionable things from being a baby. I find myself hoping so much that Xander will, too. That he’ll remember twirling in my arms, tilting his curly head back to watch the ceiling spin above him. The way JS walks him around the house to inspect any item he points at with interest. The way he loves to crawl after the dog with his head down, giggling with anticipation of the face licks to come. I want him to remember how we distract him from tears at changing time by blowing raspberries onto his thighs until he’s laughing so hard that tears stream down his face. The Victory Song we sing after every bath-time.

I want him to remember how much fun we have together. All of us, JS and myself included. I want him to remember how much we love him now, at this moment in time. And how much he loves us, too (the other day I came back upstairs from doing laundry and he was so thrilled to see me that his whole body shook when I picked him up). It wouldn’t change anything to know that he won’t; it wouldn’t make us try to get by with a little more coasting and less effort. It just makes me a little sad to think that these wonderful times that I will remember every day of my life may not be as accessible to him as he grows up.

New Year, as a holiday, is quite possibly my least favorite day ever.  Something about the whole having my apartment broken into and landing myself in the ER and police station thing really, you know, ruined it for me.

But, despite that, I do love the idea of new beginnings. The excuse to try and improve myself, and my life. Last year I made some great changes, I think. I was more physically active, ate better, tried to live a more eco-friendly and sustainable life. This year, I want to keep those goals, and add a few new ones, to boot.

• Start running again: we brought our treadmill for JS’s physical therapy (for vertigo) with us from San Diego, but it’s jammed way back in the garage. This week we’re going to move it into the basement and I want to use it several times a week. And also get outside and run whenever the weather isn’t TOO horrible. (Like tomorrow, when the high is 9 degrees? Not a day I want to get back into trail/street running.)
• Do some creative writing: any kind, for any purpose. A journal, a book draft, short stories, whatever. I may do another NYC Midnight contest, just as a push.
• Keep trying out new recipes: I miss some of the more diverse dining options we had in SoCal.  Instead of whining about it, though (or, rather, instead of ONLY whining about it), I want to learn how to make tandoori chicken or massaman curry.
• Positivity: This works out to be many things. I want to have a more positive outlook in general, and keep my negative thoughts in check. I want to surround myself with positive people, people who are enjoyable to be around. And I want to be that type of person, too.
• Read More: I’m pretty impressed with my 75 books last  year. This year I want to read 80.
• Photography: take pictures with my actual camera, not just my cell phone. This means I’ll actually have to get my camera cleaned, though. I still have sand in it from my last beach trip.
• Keep working on the house: we have a few rooms left to paint, and a few odds and ends to buy (most noteably: lamps. SO DARK.). We did a big push of house stuff, then cooled it when JS really got into the semmester. I don’t want to just leave it all as is and never feel like we really made it ours.
• Garden: I am sort of sad that we didn’t end up with one of the more flat yards of the other houses we had looked at, but still. We have a yard with more space than we could have ever imagined in San Diego. I want to plant stuff! Mostly I’m excited to try and grow some vegetables and herbs. I’ll start small, though, since I’ve never gardened before.
• Keep Teaching: I’ve really enjoyed the few online classes I’ve taught. I want to keep doing them, and maybe apply to other online schools, too. to broaden my experience base.

That’s it. Not terribly thrilling, nor innovative. But, still. I think they’re doable. Do you have any goals for the new year?

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Ran a half marathon, moved to a new state, bought a house, taught college classes, survived a (few) tornadoes, became a redhead.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I looked through my archives and can’t see if I ever made official resolutions last year, but here are the ones I had considered when I wrote my 2010 post. I have not made any resolutions yet, but I always do (even if I always break them).

• Get physically active again: Pretty good, over all. I did run 13.1 miles at once, after all.
• Have a weekly vegetarian dinner: Not necessarily weekly, but I did make quite a few new vegetarian dishes.
• Take more pictures.  This would be a total fail. Ahem.
• Write. Write. Write. Another failed resolution.
• Get some teaching experience: Yes. Taught 2 online college courses.
• Live someplace with an actual, honest to goodness, yard. Yes! We have a yard. Granted, it’s steep and wooded and I have NO idea what to do with it, but we have it.
• Get. Out. Of. The. House. Yes. I joined a Mom’s group in San Diego and in Vermont.
• Try getting involved in a church: No.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Many of the new friends I’m making here in VT had babies since my arrival. It’s so fun to see the little squishy newborns and remember when Xander used to be that small.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Last year I wanted a sense of purpose, to be more comfortable in my own skin. And I think I did pretty well with that. I relaxed into my primary role as Xander’s Mom. I got to do a little bit of work that paid actual American dollars but didn’t require me to sacrifice staying home with X. I stopped thinking that I wasn’t anything more than the small daily chores of my life. This year, I want to maintain that, not let myself slip back into that self-descrtuctive thinking, but I also want to regain my creative life. I haven’t taken many pictures this year at all, I haven’t written anything but the sporadic blog post. And if this were the case and it didn’t bother me, then I’d say fine. Maybe that’s just something I no longer need. But it does bother me. I don’t feel fully complete without doing SOMETHING creative…even if I never write that book I’ve been claiming to want to write for  years now.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 24th: going through those terrible tornadoes with Xander was really, really terrifying. I’m still so very thankful we all ended up OK.
August 29th: closing on our very first house.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Moving. It wasn’t easy. Xander and I were nomadic without JS for several weeks before coming to VT and being nomadic with JS. I’m still trying to adjust and let go of my homesickness. But we did it. We’re all together and in our home and trying to thrive in a new environment.

9. What was your biggest failure?

This one is still hard for me to answer. Not that I haven’t failed or made mistakes, there’s just not ONE thing that stands out to me as The Big Failure. If I had to pick, I think the lack of creativity stands out the most.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

A pretty bad stomach bug; a sinus infection; a pulled IT band from running.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A house.

12. Where did most of your money go?

The move, and the house. And, quite possibly, Christmas.

13. What did you get really excited about?

(I feel like a broken record here.) Moving into the house, Harry Potter, reuniting the family after being separated last summer.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Probably something from Glee.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you: – happier or sadder? Mixed. I think the sadness is mostly missing my old friends and old life in San Diego, and struggling to get used to being a new person in a new place (and also the lack of sunlight). But I’m so very happy that we took steps, as a family, to improve the quality of our lives, even though it meant taking such a huge risk and moving all the way across the country to a place I had never even seen. – thinner or fatter? I have no idea. I was in decent shape after the half marathon, but haven’t done a lick of exercise since then. I feel fatter. – richer or poorer? Financially poorer.

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Taken more pictures.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worrying and moping.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With my small family in our home. It was so, so great.

19. What was your favorite TV program? Glee. Parenthood. Modern Family. Raising Hope.

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

I read so many books this year (74!). Mostly YA. The one that stands out the most, though, is not a YA novel:  Cutting for Stone.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?

Mostly the same from last year (Glee, Mumford and Sons, Joshua Radin). But I also really enjoyed Ludovico Einaudi’s instrumental music.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

I saw so few movies this year, it’s embarassing. Favorites: Harry Potter, The Descendants.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

JS stayed home from the work in the morning and he took Xander and I out to a nice brunch. Some friends had me and Xander over for dinner that night while JS taught. I was 32.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having a personal project that I’d have worked on throughout the year.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

“Evolving.” I’m much better at not just wearing yoga pants to run errands. I’m learning to embrace the leggings/skinny jeans with long shirts/sweaters.

26. What kept you sane? My family. Reading. Facebook.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.

Enjoy the people in your life, utilize them, and be grateful for them.  This year had it’s share of challenges, and as trite and cliche as it sounds, I could not have gotten through some of them without JS, my family, and friends. Even that took work, though. JS has been working on getting me to actually verbalize my thoughts (instead of just ASSUMING that he knows. Crazy, eh?), and I’m making a big effort to make sure we’re always talking about what’s going on inside of our heads. It’s such a simple, silly thing, but it’s been so great, and reminds me that we’re partners in life together, and that there’s nothing worth keeping to myself.

It was just the three of us (plus Tonks), and we kept it fairly simple, activity wise. Cinnamon rolls that I had already cooked for breakfast, cold cuts for lunch, and some local grass fed steaks for dinner. I had originally planned to do something fancier for dinner, but didn’t really feel like taking the time. I did, though, make some gingerbread cupcakes that were delicious.

We got Xander entirely too many gifts, and next year we’ll try to work on that, but it was worth it this year. He was SO EXCITED about everything. He spent a good part of the day pushing around his toy stroller and wearing Paula’s cowboy boots and hugging Elmo and coloring on his easel and bouncing on Rody Horse. We’ve put a few of the gifts away already; there really were just too many, and some he isn’t old enough for just yet.

I hope you all had wonderful Christmases (or holidays or just December 25ths) with your friends and family. I don’t think I could have wished for a better one here, except to have my parents and brothers closer.