Here. Still.

Whenever I take a “break” from the blog, I always feel like I need some sort of dramatic reason. Tigers! In the basement! And they ate our router! But, really, not much has been going on. Just life, in all of its insanity and repetition. Play dates and bakeries and yoga and tantrums and meals (both eaten and thrown (with quite the arm) on the wall and to the dog) and naps and skipped-naps and snowy days in the park.

Just life, really. And it’s been pretty fun, for the most part. I’m not always known for handling Xander’s tantrums with the utmost grace (see: the time I almost took him to the doctor for one), but I’m being given plenty of opportunity to work on this area.

Other than that, let’s take a look through iPhoto to see what else has been going on in the Life Banks:

 

Xander’s Johnny Depp impression.

 

It finally snowed! In March.

 

CUPCAKE CUPCAKE CUPCAKE

 

Clean dog.

 

Making funny phases in self-portrait mode.

 

What the bookcases in my office look like after EVERY SINGLE VISIT from my child.

We leave a week for today for our vacation. And, OF COURSE, today there are more tornadoes in Alabama (actually following the same path right up to my parents’ neighborhood), which is freaking me right the hell out because, well, because I really don’t want THIS to happen again:

 

Aside from potential centrifugal injuries, JS and I really quite excited for our child-free Mexico trip. I know I’ll miss Xander, but it will be nice to reconnect with my husband without constant interruptions (no matter how cute those interruptions are).

Speaking of cute (or not, but I never claimed to be organized): Xander will now give kisses on demand, but not if you ask for kisses; you must ask him for a “mah.” As in “mwah!” Also? He’s taken to applauding me after I sing him his nap and bedtime lullabies. I promise I’m not making this stuff up.

Us

I was the first one to say “love.” It slipped out, unbidden, as we entered a parking garage at the outdoor mall.

“I heard that! You can’t take it back now.” He said.

The thought has never crossed my mind.

***

I think I knew that we were written in the stars long before we became an official couple. I was driving, him in the passenger side of my first New Car. Someone cut me off, again, in the rush hour of San Diego drivers headed home after work. I sputtered in futile anger. He shrugged. “For all I knew, he just got fired and his gal dumped him.”

I want that, I thought. That peace. That calm. That compassion for someone I’ve never met.

***

I hadn’t know him very long, only a few months, and only casually, when a violation of my home and body led to a breakdown of my spirit. He saw me at my worst, at my weakest, and it never phased him. He never treated me as fragile, never thought I wouldn’t be OK. He accepted the sadness for what it was and showed me that I was OK. That I’d be OK. He was kind, when others around me were not. He never left my side.

***

We met at work. It wasn’t a forbidden romance – we weren’t directly connected on the company flow chart, but I still wanted it to be a secret. Too many whispers and hushed stories have a way of ruining something that’s good. I wanted to protect it, to keep it safe, to keep it good.

We met at work, and at first it wasn’t anything. Friendly banter in the office. An extra copy of his course schedule in his inbox, just in case. A well timed lunch break. I couldn’t help but notice that he treated me as the same, as equal. A person, not a secretary (which wasn’t my job, anyway). He was the same with the office secretary. I liked it.

***

One of our first dates-that-wasn’t-a-date was a hike around a lake. We read the map wrong and ended up nearly ten miles away from the car. Downhill from the car. He gave me the last sip from the water bottle and flagged down a pick up for a ride. We sat in the truck bed with the dog they were training for rescue work. After we got home we went out for Italian food, watching the sun set over the pacific.

***

We had talked about marriage before, and the future and us and all the things that grown ups talk about when they’re in love. So when he asked me, in Golden Gate Park, if I wanted to marry him, I didn’t think much of it.

Until I saw his eyes and knew he meant it. Meant now.

“Huh? What? Yes!”

Afterwards, we touched the big oak tree that stood in as our witness. Thanks.

***

I crept back into bed, unable to hide the smile from my voice.

“What?”

I held out the stick, with one dark line and another fainter one.

“Does that mean…”

Some nine months later, I watched him meet our son for the first time. I saw the feelings I felt, but couldn’t articulate, on his face. Amazement, shock, terror, and pure, unadulterated, love.

***

It hasn’t been without challenge, but I can say that our relationship has always been easy. It’s so easy to be with him. So easy to love him. I know those around us, at times, had doubts. The age difference, the religion difference. But I’ve never doubted. He’s always been it. All I want. I can’t imagine my life without him. I can’t look at our child without seeing him: his eyes, his hair, his impish grin. It’s the greatest thing in the world, to see the two people I love most reflected in each other.

OMG The SUN!

Xander’s case of the “sniffles” turned out to be another ear infection and a case of bronchiolitis, which sounds made up, but is, in fact, A Thing (read: a chest cold). Poor kid was quite miserable, but has perked up quite a bit from a week of antibiotics. He’s even managed to let us sleep in past the sunrise, which is so totally awesome that I have no words to describe it.

Here’s what else is going on:

• After weeks of talking and dreaming and googling and half-hearted planning, JS and I finally booked a beach vacation. It was much more challenging than we expected, because we want to take a trip without Xander. We haven’t gone more than 1 night away from him, and we just want to be able to really unwind. And sleep. Oh, the sleep. So, we had to find a way to get him to my parents in Alabama. Which, as you may imagine, is not exactly on the direct routes from Vermont to…anywhere. SO, we opted to cut the trip down (we started out wanting 2 weeks away, which was just laughably unfeasible), and will be spending 5 nights in Cancun and Oh, and I can’t wait. I’m so excited to see the ocean again, and to be warm, and did I mention THE SLEEP? We’ll have a few nights on either end in Alabama, to help transition Xander and then we’re off. Hurray!
• Running. Still getting back into it. I have a group of other moms I run with once a week, and am gearing up to adding a few other days of solo running in, just to keep up with things and also because I’m strong considering doing another half marathon in the fall. Crazy, right? I don’t even know who I am any more. I’m also doing yoga once a week. You’d THINK I’d be getting back into some sort of shape other than “round,” but no, not yet.
• We had Xander’s 18 month appointment, and the kid shot up four inches since his 12 month appointment. FOUR INCHES. That is a lot of growing. No wonder he’s been a little turd. He’s a dreamboat these days, though, so I’m guessing the growth spurt is slowing down a bit. Now if I could just get those dang teeth to chill the eff out and leave him alone.
• After a crazy reading frenzy at the end of last year, I have read one book since New Year. Pathetic. And I got tons of new books for my birthday/Christmas, so I have no excuses.
• The post-dinner, pre-bath hour has turned into Dance Party for us. We’re trying to step back from using the TV too much (it always gets used more when he’s sick, but I hate having it on for hours and hours straight on normal, healthy days), so we crank of the stereo with some fun dance/techno mixes of JS’s and Xander goes NUTS. It’s hysterical. And I am happy to say that he has better rhythm than I do. Inevitably, it turns into this:

• The sun has been out nearly every day this week, for significant periods of time, and oh, it is making SUCH a big difference to my state of mind. I knew that the gray of winter was depressing me a little bit, but I had no idea just HOW down I’ve been until those feelings went away with the return of daylight. I know winter is far from done, especially since we’ve had so little snowfall so far, but this respite has been so very nice, and I will take whatever I can get.

 

Winning

Xander has yet ANOTHER case of the sniffles/the plague/WHATEVER I AM SO OVER IT YOU GUYS. It came on suddenly, with a terrifying cough (one that made me wonder instantly if it was pneumonia) and now just seems like the run of the mill hack-and-snot-fest. We were healthy for, what, 10 days? Winter can seriously bite me. (As I was typing this last night, I went in to check on a whimpering and sniffling Xander, who promptly sat up in his bed, teary eyed, and signed at me “help sleep, help sleep.” Oof.)

Anyway, so, he has this cold, and he’s teething nonstop (I don’t even know how many new teeth he has at this point) so he has all the potential to be a little jerkface. He wasn’t, though. He’s been sweet and playful and occasionally crabby about his teeth, but a little bit of Elmo seems to calm him down. Until yesterday, that is. After his nap yesterday he woke up and just FREAKED OUT. I don’t even know how to describe it. At first it seemed like a bit of “Oh, I just woke up” freak out with a dash of  ”Hey, there is something sharp and bonelike slicing its way through my gums” freak out. But it just kept going. Screaming, shaking, sobbing, back-arching, limb-flailing, snack-refusing, more screaming. We tried cuddles, a bath, milk, Elmo, crackers, but nothing worked. It only made him MORE mad/upset. I seriously, seriously, considered calling the pediatrician’s office for an emergency appointment. I figured he’d cracked a rib while coughing, had an alien invasion of his spleen, I don’t even know but THIS IS NOT MY BABY.

And then, suddenly, it stopped, and he was giggling at the dog and asking for some crackers.

Yes, that’s me, the mother who wants to take her kid to the doctor for an effing temper tantrum.

And then, later last night, the dog was freaking out, as she is wont to do on occasion, so we tossed her downstairs for a break only to have her bark even MORE frantically. JS joked that a deer must have broken into the basement and was scaring the dog.

You see where this is going?

When we took her out via the sliding door in the basement later, there was a set of deer tracks leading right up to the glass door, right where Tonks would have seen the alleged deer and proceeded to lose her shit.

Luckily today is not yesterday, and I’m just going to choose to be optimistic about it being a better day, OK?

What’s Bugging Me

(Warning, contains spoilers about the Chuck series finale.)

Yes, babies are sweet and they grow up too fast and look, whatever, let’s talk about some really important stuff, shall we? Here are some things that have really gotten on my nerves, lately.

• Brown Rice: So, I was buying this brand of bagged rice from the health aisle, let’s call it Mundgrens, and every time I cooked it, it turned out terribly. Soggy and underdone with scorched bits on the sides. I tried everything. Reduce water. Add MORE water. Longer cook time. Longer boil time. NOTHING WORKED. And, look, it’s RICE, you know. It was insulting me by not cooking right. I’m no professional chef, but I can cook RICE for Pete’s sake.  (Never fear, I found a new brand that I have to order ONLINE, but it cooks great every time. Screw you, Mundgrens.)
• (SPOILERS) Chuck. Look, I love Chuck. I love Chuck and Sarah. It’s been such a fun show for (almost) the entire series. JS and I have watched it since the beginning. I wasn’t expecting a mind blowing finale, honestly, because I know that the entire original crew isn’t working on it. That being said, WTH, CHUCK?!?!?! No hint of the future? No hope for what their lives end up as? And if that ending is the ending, if we do not know if the kiss worked, then what was the point of the last five years? Why even bring up the idea of their dream house and family if you were never going to use it? WHY, CHUCK, WHY?
• Diapers. DIAPERS. We use disposables at night because I have yet to find any combination of any cloth diaper that keeps Xander dry at night. (And yes, I’ve probably tried what you’re about to suggest). Last time I needed some from the store, though, they were out of the brands we normally get so I just picked some random generic brand and they are quite possible the WORST DIAPER EVER MADE. The tabs rip off when you’re trying to get them on, they leak, and they give Xander a rash. But can I remember to get the right ones now that they’re most likely back in stock? No, no I cannot. So instead I bitch about it to JS every time we have to get up at 2AM to change his soaked through diaper.
• Recipes with ‘tude. So, sure, I *may* be under the influence of Lady Hormones, but still. Nothing appealed to me for lunch today so I found a recipe for chewy chocolate chip cookies (I’m not a huge fan of the hard ones) and I’m making them and they look great and then at the end of the recipe it says “Don’t eat them all yourself!” Like, I’m sorry, but you are text on a computer screen. You cannot tell me how many cookies I may or may not eat.
• Winter.
• Chuck. STILL.

What’s on your nerves today, Internet? C’mon. Share.

MilkSleep

Tired. Tired tired tired. The standard answer for any parent of young children when someone asks them how they’re doing.

I’m no exception. Xander wakes too early. Still drops paci and needs help finding it at 2, 3, 4 AM. Gets scared of something and needs us. Sometimes it’s an easy fix. Plug him back in, show him Blankie, and back to sleep (or, as he signs, milk-sleep; the two are inexorably linked).

Sometimes, though, he whimpers a bit longer, and I just cannot let him cry alone in his crib in the dark. At nap time, sure, I can draw a harder line. But at night time, something switches and all I can see is that he’s my baby, my sweet little boy, forever that squawky newborn flapping free of his swaddle in the co-sleeper. These times I lift him up, sniffing his curls as he lays his head against my shoulder, and sit in the arm chair in the corner, humming “You are my sunshine” while we cuddle in the orange glow of his night light. He stares at me through impossibly long lashes, and his dimpled fingers run up and down my arm, mimicking the rhythmic stroke of my hand along his fleece-clad body.

Slowly, slowly, his eyes flutter shut and his breathing slows and he sleeps.

I stay there, though, humming in the dark, feeling the weight of him against my chest, on my legs. I may be tiredtiredtired, but I never wish the time away. I never wish he’d stop needing me. I stay as long as I can before returning him to his crib, my arms already missing the feel of his skin, even if just for a night. And when the next night comes, I find myself once again wishing that he’ll sleep straight through, and that he’ll wake up and want me. The two wants are inexorably linked.

Rambly McRambleson

*whispering*  We’re all healthy again. More or less. JS had a lingering cough. And I have Stomach Flu PTSD and panic at every gas pain.

Those were dark days. Dark days, indeed.

Once I got better, JS got sick. Right when we thought we were in the clear. I wasn’t totally 100%, and still exhausted from the virus, and Xander had decided he was tired of being good and inside, so my day on full baby/dog duty was pretty awful, and I may have cried more than a few times when Xander was mean to me (dude, HE BIT MY LEG). We did all survive, though. So that’s good. I was so disappointed with myself, though. I did not handle Xander’s jerkiness very well. It’s even worse because I KNOW why he was acting out – he’s teething (I swear he is getting EVERY SINGLE TOOTH all at once. Every time I manage to peek in there, there’s a new one showing it’s ass-face), he was still run down from being sick, and, you know, that whole “I know Mommy and Daddy are weak so I must exploit it” intuitive biological whatever-ness. And at times I just lost it. I snapped at him. I was mean. It got me thinking, too, because I was the kind of  mean that I would never have been to a child who could speak. But, since he doesn’t talk (much), I let myself think that he didn’t understand what I was saying. Which is so lame. ( I mean, I didn’t, like, tell him I didn’t love him or that he was rotten or anything like that – though I may have thought the latter.) He understands so much. I can see it. He follows simple requests, he signs all the time, he knows what’s going on around him. He’s just not saying what he sees, yet.

I could beat myself up over it (and I did, for a day or so), but really, it just reminded me that I have to mirror the kindness and respect that I want him to learn. Gentleness is most important when you don’t think you have any gentleness to give. I need to show him how to use his words (kindly) to say when he’s angry, or sad, or tired. I can’t snap at him, and then expect him to know that when he’s overwrought he needs to stay calm. I wishI could take back that day of my grumpiness, but instead I’m going to keep it in mind as a reminder of how I don’t want to act. Kids are so impressionable. They don’t have context to tell them that “Mommy was mean because she was sick.” All they know is “Mommy was mean.”

Moving on. Bullets!

• LOST remains one of the greatest TV experiences ever. And the 2 shows produced by LOST personnel (Once Upon A Time and Alcatraz) are proving my point. So far they are both well written, clever, and don’t fall into that SUPER ANNOYING plot contrivance story line where things happen that make zero sense. Yay!
• I ran today! The first time since my half marathon this summer. This is impressive for many reasons. One, because it was cold and I ran anyway (barely above freezing…which is kinda warm in these parts, but I’m a Cali Girl still) and two, because if not for my half marathon training, there is no possible way I would have been able to just up and run three miles without any build up. But I did! This amazes me.
• Every time I cut Xander’s hair myself I say “I will never do this again!” Cut to (HA!): yeah, I cut his hair again. Just the front (do boys have bangs? if they do, I cut those) and the duck tail in the back. The back looks fine. The front, well, JS is calling him Prince Valiant. This is not a compliment. Also? If not for his curls, he’d be at total risk for a mom mullet.
• JS and I are still trying to plan a warm vacation for this winter/early spring. It’s proving difficult, as airline prices have skyrocketed and we need to deliver Xander to my parents (I love him, I do, but a vacation with a toddler is an oxymoron). I spend way too much time researching Caribbean hotels, these days.
• I have finally started working on a personal writing project. I’m excited about it, and I’ve done a pretty decent job of finding time to write, even when there is none. I tend to psych myself out about writing, so I’m not going to be blogging much about it. I want to keep the steam in the pot, so to speak.
• A week or two ago Huffington Post had one of their photo essays on famous serial killers, and I (LIKE AN IDIOT) clicked through it. Nights later, I kept having dreams of their creepy faces lurking in the background. *I* knew they were serial killers, even if no one else in my dream did. Note to self: YOU ARE A PANSY. STOP IT.

Hopefully I’ll be back to a somewhat more regular posting schedule (haaaa ha ha, schedule) now that no one is puking down my shirt. No promises, though.

Phoning It In

Last week Xander got sick. One minute he was happily playing, the next he was projectile puking down my shirt (and into my hair, on my pants…). Luckily it was a short bug, only a day or so. As soon as he recovered the PukeFest, though, he woke up congested and coughing. Because OF COURSE HE DID. It’s hard for me not to blame all of this sickness on Vermont.

Fast forward to yesterday morning, when I woke up and promptly wished that I were dead. It took a while, but I had finally caught Xander’s stomach bug. I toyed with the idea of going to Urgent Care (I get dehydrated so quickly with these viruses) but by late afternoon it seemed to be tapering down somewhat.

All I can really say is, my husband is a rock star. He took on every child and dog care duty (heh. duty), letting me stay in bed the entire day long. He only came in to check on me or offer me fluids and saltines. And it’s not like I don’t think he’s able to do these things, or do them well, but it was so nice not to have to worry about my sweet boy while I was hurling up my toe nails.

I’m feeling better, but am imposing an exile on myself to make sure I don’t pass this on to our playdate friends. It kind of sucks for both of us. Xander is just itching to get out of the house. Hopefully soon.

Hope you all stay well!

Eighteen Plus One

Xander, yesterday you turned 18 months. That’s more than a whole year! There’s so much I can say about you. So many fun stories. So many heartbreakingly cute details. So many new things learned these past few months.

But what it boils down to, and what I’ll always remember, is this: you’ve started trying to sneak up on me to give me surprise hugs.

Please don’t ever stop.

House Keeping 2012

I’m taking a cue from Princess Nebraska and creating a to do list for all of the house stuff I want (us) to tackle this year.

• Mat or rug in the garage entry
• Boot scraper in the same place
• Paint the 2 bathrooms
• Paint the stairwell
• Paint the laundry room
• Paint the garage entry
• Make garage entry less….crappy looking. Put up some images, maybe another hook set for coats/hats
• Install some hanging lines in the laundry room
• Make the guest room more like a guest room and less like a storage room with a bed (better lighting, less linen storage, hang images)
• Hang instagram prints in the kitchen
• Put shelf in the kitchen
• Shelf or shelves in Xander’s room
• More lights in the master bedroom. Maybe even one that works with the damn switch
• Get rid of old ratty towels and linens
• Clear out and refresh planting beds in yard
• Vegetable and herb gardens
• Hang prints in my office
• Organize closets in my office and Xander’s room
• Frame my Harry Potter poster(s)
• Order a canvas print with certificate and hang it
• Put rails or lattice around the deck
• Get some window boxes to hang off of deck
• Get patio furniture and grill (second hand, if possible)
• Get a compost bin for future gardens
• Fix crumbling driveway
• See if it’s possible to fix steep stairs to the front door, or put in a nice looking railing (these steps are treacherous in the winter)
• Clean or replace basement carpet
• Put some more touches in master bedroom (paint a border, maybe? add more images? put a floating shelf or two?)
• This one is probably way out of reach, but research how to make backyard more usable: remove the dead trees close to the house, put small retaining wall or fence before the steep drop off

There are other things we’d like to do, but only if we thought this was The Home we’d be in forever. Neither of us thinks this, so some projects seem pointless since we hope to find that Forever Home in the middle distant future. (Things like: changing the floors and counters in the kitchen, a bay window (or two) in the family/living rooms, level the yard and remove a lot of trees to let more light in, remodeling the bathrooms.) I don’t think the amount of money we’d spend on these projects would change the selling price enough to justify doing them.

Since I’ve never had a house before, and never done home projects, I don’t know how realistic this list is. I’m not expecting to get to everything, but these are the things we always mention when discussing the house.

Do you have any home improvement goals for the New Year?